What positions am I putting my self in?
I'm a lil lost here.
I find my self trapped in a string of decisions where neither are wrong or right. Everything is gray. I would go to her for help, but I've already gotten her mad. So here I am, blogging away.
Where do you draw the line? Between for God, for YAC, putting God and YAC first VS. Family and my Future?
Its all so gray. When should you decide Family before God and YAC? When is God and YAC ahead of Family?
I've never really missed YAC. I've always been there. The last 2 times I have missed it, was once because I was sick and the other time I was in China in 2008 I think it was.
To me, YAC is always first and I mean always. Exam on Saturday Morning at 8am? Does not matter. Cousin getting married in Vancouver? Can't go. Vacation time? No can do. Group meeting? Nope. Ride along with Calgary Police? Sorry. Friends farewell party? Can't make it.
It used to be that straight cut and dry for me to make the decision. But now as I see other around me putting other things ahead, its been making me think. Am I missing out? or doing something wrong? Am I too focused on the "worldly" version of YAC rather then the God aspect of it? Am i putting my future at risk for putting this ahead of everything else? A lot of questions have been popping into my head, a lot of doubt about my decision too.
I currently find my self in a position where, I once again have to pick between Ministry and Family.
I have the choice of going to Seattle with Family or staying and help run a Inter-Joint-Church Event.
Picking one or the other has its benefits and consequences. I am trapped in a ball of dust.
I think I'm backsliding. I mean, I haven't been able to do anything right for YAC lately. Heck, I haven't been able to really do anything right. I've started to struggle with prayer and struggle with connecting with God. And who's fault is that? Mine duh. I'm not reading devotion, putting the effort into prayer, reading the bible, putting his word in to action. I have recently, and I use the term recently loosely, have been a useless piece of turd that does nothing. I have not been planning devotions, bible studies, or any YAC event to the fullest. I haven't been for the longest time and it shows! All the youth can see it. Everyone can see it and I'm the fricken chair of YAC. Like what the heck David? God has placed you here and you cant even help your self let alone keep your committee together. I am, I really am trying to pull my self out of this ditch. Its not that easy. I tend to hide many things. I like to give off the image that I can do it all. But I can't. I know that. I know with God I can, but when I'm not actively trying to for His wisdom and guidance by praying and reading His word? How can i receive his help? I need to read and dwell on Him more.
YAC committee, if you read this. I am sorry for my lack of actions, lack of help and heart. Putting some of you guys on the spot and leaving some in the blue with nothing.
When you say "its ok", do you really mean it? It never seems like it is. I end up placing myself into this hall of failure and screw ups. Then comes the "Its late, go to sleep". Pushing me away. I can't tell if you mean anything your saying when I hurt you, like nothing at all. Every time, I end up laying on my bed, wondering why I am so retarded.
