Hello Jesus

I would really like your help right now.
I don't feel so good.

The Reason

One day.
Someday.
You will save a life.
Maybe you will know it.
Maybe you won’t.

Everything you go through, everything you get through teaches you something. Or gives you the answer that someone else needs.
So know this.

If you are hurting, if you are aching, and you get past it. You survive. Your live on. You beat it.
You can save a life.
Because you know what to do.

Others are struggling. Others are hurting. Others need help. So know this.
If you beat this now. Here.
Or maybe a little later down the road.
You will have the answer. You will be able to help.

That’s what I believe.
Sometimes, you will never know who you are going to be helping or saving.
But know this. The God of the universe plans everything in great detail.
So know. There is purpose to everything you go through. Good and Bad.
Because you are called to save a life.

Rage Quitting is for the?

Have you ever raged quitted?
In a game of MW3 or LOL?
I have many many times.
Back in the day of the MW2 and you hear “TACTICAL NUKE INCOMING” and you know your team is behind, you quit. There is no point in going on. Or when its a endless amount of spawning and dying due to the countless Harriers and Chopper gunners in the air you rage quit.
Rage quitting is for the angry.

Many many times have I had the change to rage quit in real life. Just happened before I’m writing this actually. Rage quitting from things like life, relationship, family, friends, traitors, church, and yes, even God.
Some times I you just get pushed and pushed and pushed to the very edge.
Family does not understand you. Girlfriend is not making sense(more then usual haha), friends don’t really know you, church isn’t until Friday, and God seems very far away.
Rage quitting is for the confused

There have been times, where you justify or convince your self I should just quit. Rage quit these things. 
“I can’t do this, I can’t go thought this alone.”
“My parents don’t understand me like yours do”
“You have no idea what I’m going through”
“My sister and brother don’t talk to me”
“God does not love me”
And the list goes on and on.
Rage quitting is for the broken

Truth be told, yea, your most likely can’t do it on your own,
Your parents may not understand you,
Others many have no idea what your going through,
Your brothers and sisters may or may not talk to you
But there is just one thing.
Rage quitting is for the lost

God does love you.
That is the only reason I am here now.
Rage quitting is for the meek

I have learnt that, the only reason why I felt alone, distant from everyone, is that I didn’t let anyone know. The reason God felt so far away, is that I didn’t ask him for help. 
I thought. I am a lone wolf. I am the master of my own life. I am a guy. I’m a man.
I am stronger and can do this on my own.
I learnt the harsh way that, I’m not.
Rage quitting is for the lonely

So, Rage quitting is for the Lonely, meek, lost, broken, confused and angry.
If that’s you. Then Rage quit like I did, and say this:
“God I quit.
I cannot do this any more.
I give up this act I’ve been putting on. I don’t want to be alone.
I want be belong. I have to be loved and love.
I quit being lonely, meek, lost, broken, confused and angry.
I want love, friends, family, healing, guidance, help.
I’m quitting the leading position in my life.
I’ve been lending my life and I’ve ended up here.
I want you to lead.”

After all, look where Rage quitting got Jonah.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/NQNVJZ_pmG0

Alone I am weak.
With God I am overcome all.
Thought one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of 3 strands is not easily broken.

As hard as it is. Find people you can relate to. It requires you to opened and be vulnerable to judgement. But the rewards are worth it.

I’ve found love, friends and family with this.
By no means is my life perfect. Its far from it. I’m still facing meek, lost, confusion, brokenness and anger.
But I am not alone.

You my friend are not alone. Leave your name or even leave an alias if you don’t want to be known.
And I will pray for you my friend. So you will not be alone. I will stand with you and reach out for you.

Your not alone.
I’m with you.
God is with you

God is in control

I wrote this a long time ago, and yes. I am still smiling

Your heart picks up pace.
Beats faster and faster as you closer and closer.
30seconds before you arrive, you doubt your self.
No, I should not. I should not. I should not.
10seconds before the window closes your overcome with nervousness.
5seconds before the window closes you do it covered in nervousness.

Since I've done it, I've been smiling.

Long time.

Quite a while actually. A lot has happened. 

My grandam is doing better. She seems to be some what happier. Once a week now, she comes over to our  house after dialysis to have dinner. She enjoys it very much. 

I finally got a car, no more will my dad have to wake up so early. He can have his extra hour or so of sleep.

I do need to work on doing things before my dad gets to it. My dad is the kind of person that will do it if it needs to be done. Even if it's bad for him. For example, I told my dad that I would change his car tires the next day. I woke up the next morning to attend Saturday Morning prayer, and was back home by 12:30pm. I was gone for 2 hours. In that two hours he changed his tires and blew his back again.

I need to get to things before he does.

Today I realized something.

For quite a while, I've been trying to live my life by understanding that no God has a plan for everything you go through, and I mean everything. I've been doing aright for the most part. 

But it was a real struggle today. I had to fight hard for it. In my thoughts and in my heart. I was screaming with emotions inside and I really had to fight my self to remember that everything happens for a reason. That God has a plan. No matter how bad, sad, mad or whatever you are feeling. There is a greater purpose that you do not realize. I kept on reminding that to myself today. Kept on saying "There is a purpose, there is a purpose, there is a purpose". It kept my clam for the most part. When ever I wanted to lash out with negativity, I spoke the words again. "God has a plan, and there is a plan to this". 

So remember, God has a plan for you. No matter how bad or how crappy. Keep on reminding this to yourself.

``For I know the plans I have have for you, declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future``

Jeremiah 29:11

Its one thing to say it, its another to live it.

I am a fool

Its been a while.

Hey, its been while since we talked.
I'm just going to spill whatever is on my mind.

I am weak, very weak. I want to be portrayed as strong tho. I want to be strong. Physically, mentally and spiritually. I always hear and see people, go "Oh look at the big strong boy", "get the big strong guy". Well, I'm big but not strong. Every time I hear that I feed the need to be more masculine. I feel like I need to portray the idea they have of me being strong. Sometimes I wish they would stop.

Last year the theme was Extreme based on 1 John. Oh want a wonderful start that was (sarcasm).
Never have I felt that before. Like a needle being contiguously strung thought your body seamlessly. The night blew up. I wasted there time, so many helped prep the night. Only for it to fall.

"Hey, lets get our fearless leader to do it", I will never forget those words. I was this "fearless leader". Never was I more scared."Would they ever forgive me? Do I even deserve it? What am I suppose to say? What can I say? It would just go right through them". That was all I could think of. The days leading up to this buzzed by. The minuets leading to this were not slow or fast, but the moment I stepped forward, the moment my eyes met there, time froze. I was the point of focus. Words slowly made it out of my mouth. I didn't know how to handle it. I defaulted to smiling, keeping things structured, telling them how things have been changed to prevent this. All these excuses. At the end of it, I never said it. I'm sorry. Sorry for putting you guys thought all the pain. For not apologizing to each and every single one of you. I am sorry.

Where is my fruit?
They say good leaders have good fruit. So where is my fruit?
How do you be a leaders? I was once told that "You cannot hold on to every youth, if you do you will go crazy, some of them will walk away and you can't do anything about it".
Is it my fault they are walking away? What if I was better?
Right now, as it feels like some have walked away, I'm trying to focus on the ones that are there. To me, it feel like I screwed up the first batch and now I'm trying to work on the second one. I'm a complete useless moron. There are people. Not some baking recipe. I can't give up on the first batch, but I don't know what to do. I don't know how to lead. I feel so wrong

God, where am I?

At the end of the day. No matter how hard I try, I mess things up.
I'm sorry Dad.
You won't have to drive me to work much longer. I can't buy a car right now so I'm going to buy a bike to start off, then you can some more sleep. I will try my best to be a better son and look after Elaine better. I'm sorry to have caused you so much stress and to take away your sleep.

I'm sorry I can't put thoughts to words. Just about all the time, I will think of something, and start it, but not finish it because I don't think things all the way through. Just like my actions. I don't do things all the way through. This overlaps in all aspects of my life. I start but don't finish. Bible studies, events, homework, prayers, working out.

I am ridiculous.