Turn to God

I don't know God.
What is going on here?
Your the reason last night went so good.
Your the reason everyone was apart of the skits.
Your the reason why the devotion went really good.

So God, why did the conclusion of Friday night end so low.
Why this sharp pain in my heart?
Is it here? Is it coming?
Is there a decision to be made?
My heart and my soul are crying out to you God.

God, I do not know why,
but alright, I will keep on listing and pushing towards you.
Flexing my faith right?

I am struggling with turning my self around.

they're  saying no.

and yea, there right.

I am not. 

Just another post

What is it that I am doing?

What positions am I putting my self in?

I'm a lil lost here.

I find my self trapped in a string of decisions where neither are wrong or right. Everything is gray. I would go to her for help, but I've already gotten her mad. So here I am, blogging away.

Where do you draw the line? Between for God, for YAC, putting God and YAC first VS. Family and my Future?

Its all so gray. When should you decide Family before God and YAC? When is God and YAC ahead of Family?

I've never really missed YAC. I've always been there. The last 2 times I have missed it, was once because I was sick and the other time I was in China in 2008 I think it was.

To me, YAC is always first and I mean always. Exam on Saturday Morning at 8am? Does not matter. Cousin getting married in Vancouver? Can't go. Vacation time? No can do. Group meeting? Nope. Ride along with Calgary Police? Sorry. Friends farewell party? Can't make it.

It used to be that straight cut and dry for me to make the decision. But now as I see other around me putting other things ahead, its been making me think. Am I missing out? or doing something wrong? Am I too focused on the "worldly" version of YAC rather then the God aspect of it? Am i putting my future at risk for putting this ahead of everything else? A lot of questions have been popping into my head, a lot of doubt about my decision too.

I currently find my self in a position where, I once again have to pick between Ministry and Family.

I have the choice of going to Seattle with Family or staying and help run a Inter-Joint-Church Event.

Picking one or the other has its benefits and consequences. I am trapped in a ball of dust.

I think I'm backsliding. I mean, I haven't been able to do anything right for YAC lately. Heck, I haven't been able to really do anything right. I've started to struggle with prayer and struggle with connecting with God. And who's fault is that? Mine duh. I'm not reading devotion, putting the effort into prayer, reading the bible, putting his word in to action. I have recently, and I use the term recently loosely, have been a useless piece of turd that does nothing. I have not been planning devotions, bible studies, or any YAC event to the fullest. I haven't been for the longest time and it shows! All the youth can see it. Everyone can see it and I'm the fricken chair of YAC. Like what the heck David? God has placed you here and you cant even help your self let alone keep your committee together. I am, I really am trying to pull my self out of this ditch. Its not that easy. I tend to hide many things. I like to give off the image that I can do it all. But I can't. I know that. I know with God I can, but when I'm not actively trying to for His wisdom and guidance by praying and reading His word? How can i receive his help? I need to read and dwell on Him more.

YAC committee, if you read this. I am sorry for my lack of actions, lack of help and heart. Putting some of you guys on the spot and leaving some in the blue with nothing.

When you say "its ok", do you really mean it? It never seems like it is. I end up placing myself into this hall of failure and screw ups. Then comes the "Its late, go to sleep". Pushing me away. I can't tell if you mean anything your saying when I hurt you, like nothing at all. Every time, I end up laying on my bed, wondering why I am so retarded. 

T_T

Gossipe.

What good is it to bring up old dirty about people?
NO GOOD.
SO SHUT UP!

My awesome Pee story.

I think this is a wonderful story so I thought I would share it with you all. It occurred on mother days at some restaurants near Diefenbaker High school.

So in the mist of dinner I needed to use the washroom so I proceed to do so. Upon entering the washroom, I observed that there was 1 handicapped washroom stall, 1 urinal and 1 sink.
So The washroom was arranged in such a way, were the stall was to the immediate left of the urinal and the sink to the immediate right. Thankfully the owners of the restaurant put a wall so that the person washing there hands could not see the persons private.
But the problem was just that, with the urinal between the stall and the sink, it would leave very little space. I have broad shoulders and I was unable to fit between the gap of the stall and the sink wall.
This left me in a awkward predicament. I couldn't not use the stall as it was occupied and I really needed to go. So I did what any man of my intelligence would do, and no I did not pee in the sink.
I pointed my private up, and tried to get it in the urinal, but I did not have enough "power" so I did what anyone else would do, I flicked it upwards to get as much into the urinal as I could.

I wonder what the person in the stall was thinking....

Only I am capable of such retardation

Help Lord.

Screw off Satan.

This committee and these Youth are OFF LIMITS!

I don't know what I'm doing wrong...

I don't know

Am I really that dumb?
That unable to help my self?
I mean, I just want to try it, thats all.
Oh well, for the moment I guess I am dumb and unable to help my self.
In time I guess.


Ok, I get it. I know how you feel. You must feel like this when I do things wrong.

Sometimes I wonder

rock like Dropping

Help God.

From the Inside Out

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

You have the power

Lord. Take me. Mold me. Use Me.
Move me. Speak to me. Move my mouth. Move my tongue.
Use me as you will.
Help me live your will.
Help me be a powerful teacher, a helpful teacher, a humble teacher.
Remind me, and help me be authentic.
Prepare us, every single one of us for Friday. To meet and just lay down before you. Our Father.
Bring us into you.

Pull it together dang it!

Intentions

Bottomed out.
I don't even know why I went.
From the bottom of my heart, from the bottom of my soul,
I was disturbed.
I don't even know why I go.
I know I will never see them again. I know.
Screw you Satan, leave me alone.

Is my imagination running away
Or is all this really happening to me
Am I prince in a far away land filled with fantasy


Lines are blurred, things have grayed.
Just what am I doing?

Where is reality and what are the actions that will define who I am?
I am holding onto the visions I've seen of what I could be
It's what I should be

define: Bruise

Definitions of Bruise on the Web:

• injure the underlying soft tissue or bone of; "I bruised my knee"
• hurt: hurt the feelings of; "She hurt me when she did not include me among her guests"; "This remark really bruised my ego"
• break up into small pieces for food preparation; "bruise the berries with a wooden spoon and strain them"
• damage (plant tissue) by abrasion or pressure; "The customer bruised the strawberries by squeezing them"
• an injury that doesn't break the skin but results in some discoloration
  wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
• A bruise, also called a contusion, is a type of relatively minor hematoma of tissue in which capillaries and sometimes venules are damaged by trauma, allowing blood to seep into the surrounding extracellular space. ...
  en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bruise
• A purplish mark on the skin due to leakage of blood from capillaries under the surface that have been damaged by a blow; A dark mark on fruit caused by a blow to its surface; To strike (a person), originally with something flat or heavy, but now specifically in such a way as to discolour the ...
  en.wiktionary.org/wiki/bruise
• bruising - causing mental or emotional injury; "a bruising experience"; "protected from the bruising facts of battle"- John Mason Brown
  wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
• Bruises - "Bruises" is the first single off Brooklyn-based band Chairlift's second album Does You Inspire You. Bruises was featured in a commercial for Apple's 4th generation iPod Nano. A music video for "Bruises" was released June 5, 2009.
  en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bruises_(song)
• bruising - A violent physical attack on a person
  en.wiktionary.org/wiki/bruising
• The rupturing of blood vessels within sensitive structures resulting from trauma. Hoof bruises often result from the horse stepping on stones. Bruises can also occur in any sensitive structue, including the frog and the bulbs of the heels. aka: Strawberries.
  www.horseshoes.com/glossary/b/glsrb.htm
• A discoloration of the skin as a result of an extravasation of blood into the underlying tissues.
  nbata.com/EducationResearch/GlossaryofTerms/AdditionalTermsAF/tabid/1624/Default.aspx
• Usually an arc- or star-shaped area of damage with the piece of glass still intact. Bruises usually result from an impact of substantial force, such as the article being dropped.
  www.thelampworks.com/lw_glossary.htm
• to partially crush an ingredient, such as herbs, to release flavor for seasoning food.
  www.cooksrecipes.com/cooking-dictionary/B-9.html
• a collection of blood due to broken blood vessels underneath the skin usually caused by trauma. A bruise causes discoloration and swelling in the area.
  marianmedicalcenter.staywellsolutionsonline.com/YourFamily/Children/Glossary/

Yup, that sounds about right.

Pictures

I really like taking them pictures.
I want a really good camera.

10

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El Shaddai

tonight was a blessing

I like hang out with older people.

they so cool.

=)

With my hands

what have i brought?

what have i caused?

better or worse?

why is the single most occurring theme.

I am not. not even close.

I bring the pain, i bring the hurt.

I am not. not even close.

I do not deserve, will not ever.

I am not. not even close.

time is lost, time is wasted

I am not.  not even close.

where is the good? I see the bad.

I am not. not even close.

lost for words, lost for words.

one word, repeated and repeated. that one word is just repeated. 

what to say but that one word.

one word said so many. again again again again again again again again.

lost the one word, oh so lost.

what to do?where to go?what to think?

the back, so many times I see the back.

Just walk away. turn away.

so many times I see the back.

Smaller and smaller, the back gets smaller.

again. again again, one word, repeated and repeated.

error, error, error, fail, fail, fail,

4/5

T_T

I WANT TO SLEEP REAL BAD!!
SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP!!!!!!!

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

This is what the Lord has blessed me with

1. A home
2. A never ending source of Love.
3. Friends older then me
4. Friends younger then me
5. Friends the same age as me.
6. Canada
7. Calgary Chinese Pentecostal Church
8. Youth Alive for Christ
9. Dana
10. Late night hang out with friends
11. Video games with Leo
12. PS3
13. Cousins
14. Sisters
15. 2 Grandmas
16. Music
17. Calgary Flames
18. Prayer
19. Snow
20. Summer
21. Bed
22. Warm house
23. Babies(Wawa, Jacob and many more)
24. Epic Youth Leaders(Leo, Kingston, Sarah, Enoch, Nathan and many more)
25. Spiritual Leaders(Amy, Clem, Sam, Jackson, Pastor Laing and many more)
26. Awesomely cool people(Andrew, Jacklyn, Jenny, Mrs.Laing, Jon, Meely and many more)
27. Cash, Lady
28. Blankets
29. Large TV
30. Calgary
31. Laptop
32. The many YAC youth
33. Everyone at Calgary Chinese Pentecostal Church
34. Smiles
35. Full Stomach
36. Tupperware
37. Jesus
38. Cars
39. Hugs
40. Thought
41. Smell
42. Touch
43. Sight
44. Strength
45. Walking
46. Running
47. Glasses
48. Worship
49. Help
50. Shirt
51. Pants
52. Night
53. Movies
54. Stars
55. My name
56. Water
57. Guitar
58. Piano

Only you can repeat such a hefty mistake twice.

Focus on You.

At the end of the day. I'm all yours Lord.
You know whats best.
You stay true.

But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.
Job 23:10
This is a test I will pass.

Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone among you happy? Let them sing songs of praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned they will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
Elijah was a human being like us. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain and it did not rain for three and a half years. Again he prayer and the heavens gave rain and the earth produced its crops.
My brothers and sisters, if one of you should wonder from the truth and someone should bring that person back; remember this: Whoever turns from a sinners from the error of there way will save them from death and cover over a multitude of sin.
James 5:13-20

No Title

Am I going about this wrong?