Its been a while.

Hey, its been while since we talked.
I'm just going to spill whatever is on my mind.

I am weak, very weak. I want to be portrayed as strong tho. I want to be strong. Physically, mentally and spiritually. I always hear and see people, go "Oh look at the big strong boy", "get the big strong guy". Well, I'm big but not strong. Every time I hear that I feed the need to be more masculine. I feel like I need to portray the idea they have of me being strong. Sometimes I wish they would stop.

Last year the theme was Extreme based on 1 John. Oh want a wonderful start that was (sarcasm).
Never have I felt that before. Like a needle being contiguously strung thought your body seamlessly. The night blew up. I wasted there time, so many helped prep the night. Only for it to fall.

"Hey, lets get our fearless leader to do it", I will never forget those words. I was this "fearless leader". Never was I more scared."Would they ever forgive me? Do I even deserve it? What am I suppose to say? What can I say? It would just go right through them". That was all I could think of. The days leading up to this buzzed by. The minuets leading to this were not slow or fast, but the moment I stepped forward, the moment my eyes met there, time froze. I was the point of focus. Words slowly made it out of my mouth. I didn't know how to handle it. I defaulted to smiling, keeping things structured, telling them how things have been changed to prevent this. All these excuses. At the end of it, I never said it. I'm sorry. Sorry for putting you guys thought all the pain. For not apologizing to each and every single one of you. I am sorry.

Where is my fruit?
They say good leaders have good fruit. So where is my fruit?
How do you be a leaders? I was once told that "You cannot hold on to every youth, if you do you will go crazy, some of them will walk away and you can't do anything about it".
Is it my fault they are walking away? What if I was better?
Right now, as it feels like some have walked away, I'm trying to focus on the ones that are there. To me, it feel like I screwed up the first batch and now I'm trying to work on the second one. I'm a complete useless moron. There are people. Not some baking recipe. I can't give up on the first batch, but I don't know what to do. I don't know how to lead. I feel so wrong

God, where am I?

At the end of the day. No matter how hard I try, I mess things up.
I'm sorry Dad.
You won't have to drive me to work much longer. I can't buy a car right now so I'm going to buy a bike to start off, then you can some more sleep. I will try my best to be a better son and look after Elaine better. I'm sorry to have caused you so much stress and to take away your sleep.

I'm sorry I can't put thoughts to words. Just about all the time, I will think of something, and start it, but not finish it because I don't think things all the way through. Just like my actions. I don't do things all the way through. This overlaps in all aspects of my life. I start but don't finish. Bible studies, events, homework, prayers, working out.

I am ridiculous.